Conversations With My Younger Self

Why Is Our Truth So Scary to Say Out Loud?

July 5, 2025

What scares you?

I think what scares me most is this: if I tell the truth, I’m afraid I’ll hurt everyone.
I’m afraid I’ll paint him in a bad light.
I hear his voice in my head so loudly:

“Nothing is good enough for you. What’s even wrong? What did I do?”

His voice still rings louder than mine.
And then there are the voices of others —

“Well, he’s good to me.”
“You had such a nice life.”
“At least he’s not cheating.”
“It wasn’t that bad.”

Sometimes I even hear a whisper inside myself:
“Maybe I was wrong all along.”

But I wasn’t.
I felt it so deeply. I lived it.
The lack of love. The judgment.
The subtle cruelty. The way I shrank.
The way I would try to rise and he would cut me down —
Not with fists, but with comments.

The way expectations were always “too much.”
The way I started believing I should just take what I could get.

Where did I learn that?

Probably from my mother.
She always told me, “A good man is hard to find.”

So when I found one who seemed good —
even if he didn’t feel good to me —
I held on.
And now, I find myself saying it over and over:

“He’s a good guy… just not to me.”

Even that feels like a betrayal.
Why do I need to qualify my pain?
Why do I feel like I need to make sure everyone’s perspective is included,
when mine is the one I’ve never fully honored?

What’s the truth?

The truth is:
I didn’t feel loved.
Most days, I didn’t even feel liked.
And I don’t want to keep pretending I’m okay with that.

For years, I thought maybe I was the problem.
But other relationships have shown me otherwise.
Friendships, moments, kindnesses that reminded me:

I am lovable.
I’m not too much.
I was never asking for too much — I was asking the wrong person.

Still, I hear the voice in my head:

“You’re being dramatic.”
“You weren’t beaten. He didn’t cheat.”

And I feel rage that that’s the metric.
That a woman has to be destroyed to justify leaving.

What would I say to my daughter?

I would tell her:

Being unhappy is enough.
You don’t need to justify your truth.
You don’t need to compare pain to others’.
You don’t need to stay to protect someone else’s image.
You are allowed to want more.
You are allowed to trust the feeling in your gut.
You are allowed to ask:
What if I could have it all?
I know what I know

July 4, 2025

What is going on?

I feel so angry and let down by the people around me. I feel so mad at him. I know he is not an alcoholic but I heard someone talk about how they felt with their alcoholic father, they never knew what mood he was going to be in, and so there was constant waves of emotions and it clicked that now I get why they talk about codependency for alcohol partners. I’ve always known I was codependent on him, but I hate that when he is in a bad mood or angry, like yesterday, he can talk to me however he wants and i just have to take it. Today he is fine, so I just have to be grateful

Who’s voice is that?

My mom’s. “Be nice, just be nice, you always be the nice one” she just said it to me the other day, and I felt so betrayed. Yes I want to be the more mature one or the one who kept my side clean, but damn, it hurts so much to have to always be the one who takes the high road. I want someone mad on my behalf.

Baby, I am here for you. Tell me your story.

I knew pretty early on that he didn’t like me, like within the first few months. But I was also very aware that finding and keeping a man was hard. I mean I was only 25 so that sound so silly now. But my mom had made it pretty clear to me that she was settling for less than love because my dad was good to my sister, her daughter from my mom’s first marriage. She was loud about the fact that men were not great, there is more to be afraid of. It didn’t help that I also felt like an ugly duckling in a world of white girls with perfect magazine cover bodies. So when I connected with him emotionally, I was just so grateful and I knew he would never leave me. Its obvious now that that was my wound, to never be left. And I quickly left myself, in the name of keeping him. What doesn’t make sense, is how much I still do it. We are now divorced, and I am weeks away from being free of this marriage (I feel bad even saying that, like Im not suppose to want this) and I still am a full prisoner to his emotions.

I think that’s the most consistently shocking part- how much work I have done, and how much I am still stuck- mentally. I feel like i am being gaslit by him, my family, and myself.

Are they doing it? Or do you assume that? Im here for you. Tell me what is happening. I wont gaslight you.

I know what I know, I know that there is a lack of love here, I don’t want to factor in that he is a nice guy to my family, or that is he a good dad, or that he is a kind human- I know those things. But it doesn’t change how i feel in this marriage. It doesn’t change how I feel period. You know a few weeks ago, I was interacting with a guy that I thought was kind, and I kept wincing, I kept waiting for him to tear me down, I kept waiting for him to say something mean to me. He never did, but I felt like a battered dog. I know what I know, and what I know is that this marriage has felt bad since before the wedding. I knew in my heart that this wasn’t how you were supposed to feel. For years, I would look at other couples and wonder if they were happier. And immediately Id hear my mom’s voice “nothing is perfect” and Id snap back to reality- the same reality that kept me married for 10 years, the same reality that made me have two kids here. And I spend so much time defending him, that I almost have forgotten my truth. I know what I know.

Do you think you surrounded yourself, or picked him because you were more comfortable being safe and doubted?

I do feel that sometimes- why do I have so many people who are good at questioning me? It feels terrible
Where is my support

July 3, 2025

I don’t think that I want to say that social media is fake, but I do think it’s important to remember that two things can exist at once. This picture was the same day that moments earlier, I remember thinking that some days I feel like I’m dying. Smiling in this, taking a walk, and posting it was the same day that I also felt sick to my stomach with anxiety and cried most of the day. They both exist. I also remember feeling like if I posted this, it looked like I was happy, but I was far from it.

What are you feeling?

I feel like if I’m fine, then people might think I don’t need support. I feel let down by a lot of people in this process. I feel so alone. I want to cry when I think about how much I do for my friends, and a lot of moments in this divorce I have felt totally alone. I’m the friend who would plan a divorce party or trip for a friend. I don’t really have that and it makes me sad. I feel sad knowing that there are friends who never really check in. Sometimes my anger is so big about it, I want to cut them off and never talk to them. I want to throw a huge tantrum sometimes.

You have me. And I am the best of the best friends ever. I’m here to hear you, and support you

That is a true thing that makes me breathe easier, I do have you. Can you plan a trip for us?

Yes. I don’t need us to wait for anyone anymore. It’s me and you! And I am here to celebrate you, be proud of you, build you up. I know all the hard moments you have been thru. I know the whole story, and I want nothing back from you. You can feel safe to be your full self with me, you can be mad, sad, happy- anything, and I’m here for it all
The best part of divorce

July 2, 2025

One of the genuinely hardest things that I have felt in this whole divorce process is how much I have been waiting for the friend, family member, coworker; to say the right thing. And one of the best lessons I could have ever learned was how to not wait for that- but instead be there for myself. Its been a very hard journey- there are so many conversations I have had to have with myself to learn that it really is about being there for myself. I hated to learn it. I didn’t want that to be the reality- that seems lonely? It feels like accepting that people are disappointing… but eventually it started to feel like calm, freedom, peace, and pure love. I am here for myself. It felt like a lesson I would understand and then falter from again. So I started to journal that way, I started to really learn how talk to the parts of me who were feeling let down so that I could support her, instead of her waiting to be supported by someone else. I also learned that this unlocked a new level of love that I could receive and give- I stopped feeling expectation and resentment for relationships. I stopped shaming the part of me that felt those things too, she needs me. It’s a continuous process, but if nothing else, this divorce has granted me a path back to myself and that’s what you will find here.