What is going on? 

I feel so angry and let down by the people around me.  I feel so mad at him.  I know he is not an alcoholic but I heard someone talk about how they felt with their alcoholic father, they never knew what mood he was going to be in, and so there was constant waves of emotions and it clicked that now I get why they talk about codependency for alcohol partners. I’ve always known I was codependent on him, but I hate that when he is in a bad mood or angry, like yesterday, he can talk to me however he wants and i just have to take it.  Today he is fine, so I just have to be grateful

Who’s voice is that? 

My mom’s. “Be nice, just be nice, you always be the nice one” she just said it to me the other day, and I felt so betrayed.  Yes I want to be the more mature one or the one who kept my side clean, but damn, it hurts so much to have to always be the one who takes the high road. I want someone mad on my behalf.

Baby, I am here for you.  Tell me your story.

I knew pretty early on that he didn’t like me, like within the first few months.  But I was also very aware that finding and keeping a man was hard.  I mean I was only 25 so that sound so silly now.  But my mom had made it pretty clear to me that she was settling for less than love because my dad was good to my sister, her daughter from my mom’s first marriage.  She was loud about the fact that men were not great, there is more to be afraid of.  It didn’t help that I also felt like an ugly duckling in a world of white girls with perfect magazine cover bodies.  So when I connected with him emotionally, I was just so grateful and I knew he would never leave me.  Its obvious now that that was my wound, to never be left. And I quickly left myself, in the name of keeping him.  What doesn’t make sense, is how much I still do it.  We are now divorced, and I am weeks away from being free of this marriage (I feel bad even saying that, like Im not suppose to want this) and I still am a full prisoner to his emotions.  

I think that’s the most consistently shocking part- how much work I have done, and how much I am still stuck- mentally.  I feel like i am being gaslit by him, my family, and myself. 

Are they doing it? Or do you assume that? Im here for you. Tell me what is happening. I wont gaslight you.

I know what I know, I know that there is a lack of love here, I don’t want to factor in that he is a nice guy to my family, or that is he a good dad, or that he is a kind human- I know those things. But it doesn’t change how i feel in this marriage.  It doesn’t change how I feel period. You know a few weeks ago, I was interacting with a guy that I thought was kind, and I kept wincing, I kept waiting for him to tear me down, I kept waiting for him to say something mean to me. He never did, but I felt like a battered dog.  I know what I know, and what I know is that this marriage has felt bad since before the wedding.  I knew in my heart that this wasn’t how you were supposed to feel.  For years, I would look at other couples and wonder if they were happier.  And immediately Id hear my mom’s voice “nothing is perfect” and Id snap back to reality- the same reality that kept me married for 10 years, the same reality that made me have two kids here.  And I spend so much time defending him, that I almost have forgotten my truth. I know what I know. 

Do you think you surrounded yourself, or picked him because you were more comfortable being safe and doubted?

I do feel that sometimes- why do I have so many people who are good at questioning me? It feels terrible